@bananagrvyrd

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

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@Darlainky

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

@AbbyHasIssues

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

@KalvinMacleod

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

@jlock17

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

@joejwest

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

@ambamthankyamam

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.