M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it
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Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
girl: “id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married”
henry the eighth: “our food sure is taking a while”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Things I hate
In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”