Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
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*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
welp
normalize having existential bread
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
what’s the point then??
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them