So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
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A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Yes, this is exactly right
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Body by Oreos