So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
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Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
The Weeknd is back
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?