So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.