old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Many hands make light work
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Sell your car
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.