So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
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HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
what day is it?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister