@rhysjamesy

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

You Might Also Like

@simonblackwell

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

@gitson_shiggles

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

@alanferrier

Who would have believed that the perfect Wikipedia photo caption could have been improved upon?

@WildeThingy

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

@Schgot89

I miss being a sperm.
I wish life was simple again.

@jamiesont

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

@copymama

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?