Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
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I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.