so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
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I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
The French word for sex is croissant.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.