“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.