Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.