so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
You Might Also Like
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream