Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
If you watch Twitter backwards, it’s about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.
*slams fists on coffee table*
WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR
Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I’m about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
elon musk having a love affair with space because he read hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is like if i were a billionaire and decided to use all of my power and resources to create turtles who ate pizza & knew karate