So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
You Might Also Like
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Why is this me 😫
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.