So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
You Might Also Like
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*