So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s