So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

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Why don’t search parties use joggers, they’re always finding dead bodies.


I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.


INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference


me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go


Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered


Her: We have rats!

Me: We do?

Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!

Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.


Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.


Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.


You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.