@Dawn_M_

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

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@PondHockeyPro

Why don’t search parties use joggers, they’re always finding dead bodies.

@chopper4jk

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

@ClichedOut

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

@dubstep4dads

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

@OldFolkProblms

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

@thatUPSdude

Her: We have rats!

Me: We do?

Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!

Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.

@Bunnydurden

Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.

@Inferno_V

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

@Parkerlawyer

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.