Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.