First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
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*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
those birds must be on payroll
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.