So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
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Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Just as the prophecy foretold
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.