Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”