What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
So far 0% of white men in suits find it it funny when I lean in and whisper ‘scary costume’.
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Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Meghan Markle is going to be bummed when she finds out that her royal duties include getting up at 3:00 every morning to wind up Big Ben.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
-Does it have apples in it?
-What about pine?
-No pine either.
-Perfect, we’ll call it a pineapple.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon