@SofieHagen

So far 0% of white men in suits find it it funny when I lean in and whisper ‘scary costume’.

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@sofarrsogud

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

@TheBoydP

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

@ArfMeasures

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

@Kyle_Lippert

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

@Gooooats

Meghan Markle is going to be bummed when she finds out that her royal duties include getting up at 3:00 every morning to wind up Big Ben.

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

@SummerSongGirl

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

@internetluke

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

@BakedBrotatoes

-Does it have apples in it?

-No.

-What about pine?

-No pine either.

-Perfect, we’ll call it a pineapple.

@duumb

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon