So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation

You Might Also Like


Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.


Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.


Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.


In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour


The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.


Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel


*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.


Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.