@portmanteauface

So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation

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@drinksmcgee

Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.

@UnFitz

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

@Try2StopME

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

@Pirate_nurse

In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour

@junejuly12

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

@Parkerlawyer

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.