Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣