@portmanteauface

So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation

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@dorsalstream

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

@HockeyTornado

I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don’t want people to recognize me when I’m pooping.

@hpb777

Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.

@Blunder_Woman

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

@causticbob

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

@jackmackenroth

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”