me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation
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[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don’t want people to recognize me when I’m pooping.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Don’t be shy, send that 8th unresponded text