Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…