So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
The news is so predictable nowadays
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.