@SteveAmiri

So far my favorite villain in the Superman/Batman movie is the casting director.

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@sugarwits

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

@DevilryFun

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

@TheAlexNevil

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

@Peachyisk

Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

@macchiatonumb

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

@JKNenagh

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

@3sunzzz

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

@OctopusCavemann

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

@Chumpstring

KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom.

DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom?

KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.

@AbbieEvansXO

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket