So far my favorite villain in the Superman/Batman movie is the casting director.

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Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates


Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.


All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.


Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.


*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?


a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!


Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.


Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…


KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom.

DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom?

KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.


[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket