Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
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Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
So sick of all these stupid rules
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Anyone really
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.