So far my toddler’s most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.

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If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.


*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*


Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”


My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil


waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks


Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.


DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise


If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.


Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on


Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.