I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
cats when you pet them too long:
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
A choir of Spring onions
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”