WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
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if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what