So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
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Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Oh my God.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.