So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

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I’ll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said “Never forget what I’m about to tell you” then some story about corn.


humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out


[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows


I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off.


I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill


Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?


scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us


ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine


Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.