@mommy_cusses

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

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@Jam453Lane

Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I’m drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.

@perlhack

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

@noogscorner

Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.

@mom_tho

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

@Khydill

mom i AM the friend that jumps off the bridge

@stinky_blinders

Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???

@roxiqt

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.