I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.