So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
a fate I wish upon no one
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.