Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bingowings14

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

@LionJenkins

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.

@TeahLhompson

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

@SeanINCypress

Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.

@avainwordland

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

@enbyjirou

calling your friend “brother from another mother” or “sister from another mister”

– kinda boring
– overdone
– no gender neutral alternative

calling your friend “a clown from the same circus”

– grabs ur attention
– what circus? tell me more
– gender neutral
– bond like no other

@daemonic3

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

@Reverend_Scott

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

@Tha1thtgotawy

Dear pansexuals, do you prefer cast iron or nonstick?

Asking for a friend.

@amazymay72x

*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.