So glad I finally got around to correcting that spelling mistake I made to the girl I fancied 8 years ago

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Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.


If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.


I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge


Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.


calling your friend “brother from another mother” or “sister from another mister”

– kinda boring
– overdone
– no gender neutral alternative

calling your friend “a clown from the same circus”

– grabs ur attention
– what circus? tell me more
– gender neutral
– bond like no other


ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?



Dear pansexuals, do you prefer cast iron or nonstick?

Asking for a friend.


*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.