Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.
Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
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If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
calling your friend “brother from another mother” or “sister from another mister”
– kinda boring
– no gender neutral alternative
calling your friend “a clown from the same circus”
– grabs ur attention
– what circus? tell me more
– gender neutral
– bond like no other
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Dear pansexuals, do you prefer cast iron or nonstick?
Asking for a friend.
*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.