[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
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Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.