Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
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So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.