So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.