So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ainโ€™t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

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The moral of โ€œThe Three Little Pigsโ€ is โ€œmake your house with bricks.โ€ Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?


I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?


Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.


The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs


Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.


me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time


My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.