Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.