So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
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My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.