So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.