magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
birds and squirrels envy us
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.