“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
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The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
*mops up wine with cat*
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[eulogy]
line?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own