“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

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The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.


My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?


What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.


Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.


Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious


CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now


Rent should be due every 90 days, every 30 is dramatic. Let’s riot.


Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*


“Is my butt is too big?” my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.