@Sirrruh

So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.

There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.

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@TheOnlyMommaG

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

@LindaInDisguise

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

@SteveToyne

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘No I’m Spartacus’

‘I am Spartacus’

‘I AM Spartacus’

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘Look I just need someone to sign for the package’

@AimeeHelene1

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

@david8hughes

Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.

@KalvinMacleod

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

@JustUnstableMe

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

@onion_an

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

@DeepDarkFear

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.