@TheOnlyMommaG
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
@Sirrruh
So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.
…
There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.
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@TheOnlyMommaG
@LindaInDisguise
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
@SteveToyne
‘I’m Spartacus’
‘No I’m Spartacus’
‘I am Spartacus’
‘I AM Spartacus’
‘I’m Spartacus’
‘Look I just need someone to sign for the package’
@AimeeHelene1
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
@david8hughes
Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.
@KalvinMacleod
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
@JustUnstableMe
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
@onion_an
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
@brookeivy
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
@DeepDarkFear
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.