So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.

There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.

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“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”


My son just asked me how long he’s had a birthmark for and now I’m afraid to send him out into the world


Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.


I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.


Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?


[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make


The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.


[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held