MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
You Might Also Like
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Spa day..😅
Super Hand Dog Face
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
tell em, edith-anne
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
kids play hide and seek like
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.