@Hellaphantitis
“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”
@Sirrruh
So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.
…
There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.
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@Hellaphantitis
@DaddyJew
My son just asked me how long he’s had a birthmark for and now I’m afraid to send him out into the world
@JesseWeller
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
@weedswildflowrs
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
@helltotheyaya
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
@aotakeo
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
@CamusOverEasy
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
@TitansHomer
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
@ChicksRule
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
@pixelatedboat
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
