@Sirrruh

So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.

There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.

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@Hellaphantitis

“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”

@DaddyJew

My son just asked me how long he’s had a birthmark for and now I’m afraid to send him out into the world

@JesseWeller

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

@weedswildflowrs

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

@helltotheyaya

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

@aotakeo

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

@CamusOverEasy

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

@ChicksRule

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held