So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
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I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.