[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
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[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Sharon I have some bad news
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.