Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
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Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.