Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
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New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
#titanic
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.