So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
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Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My Sentiments Exactly
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.