Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album