@bornmiserable

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

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@imdaintyaf

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

@ch000ch

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

@treydayway

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

@capnwatsisname

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

@laurajennyjo

I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit

@hunz74

I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”

@TheRolo

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”