“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
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BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit