Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
“So how did you two meet?”
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Sure sex is great, but have you ever had the house to yourself?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit
I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*
Hey baby, what’s your name?