@bornmiserable

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

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@jonnysun

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

@mom_ontherocks

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

@Illuminati_Stop

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well

@jordan_stratton

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

@StayAwayy_

My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒

@rickolantern

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

@conarck

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.