So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
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*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
where the womens at?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day