So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…