“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
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A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
#CatsOnTwitter